Monday, October 21, 2013

The Cabin In The Woods (2012)

You think you know the story.

"Are you even listening to me?"

We open with 2 men, Gary and Steve, who are at work, a place called The Facility, and they are talking about their home life when, Wendy, from the Chem Department, tells them that the Swedish are out.  They remark that it's down to them and Japan, who has a perfect record, and that they haven't had a glitch since 1998, and the glitch was Chem's fault.  I love these 2!  We then head to a house where a girl, Dana, is looking at a picture she drew, her friend, Jules, tells her it's time to burn it since they broke up.  Jules tells Dana that Curt, Jules boyfriend, is bringing his friend Holden to the cabin with them and plan to set her up with him.  Curt comes into the room and throws his football out the window, where Holden catches it, impressive.  Have I mentioned that Dana hasn't had pants on this entire time?

Curt, Dana, Holden, Jules head down to the RV they are taking to the cabin when their friend, Marty, arrives, who is taking hits from a bong, in plain sight.  Curt tells him he isn't bringing the bong into the RV, and Marty then manages to turn the bong into a travel cup, very impressive.  They take off in the RV, and we pan up to Dana's roof and see a guy who tells someone that the nest is empty.  Back at The Facility, Gary and Steve arrive at the control deck and start observation on the gang, we also meet Daniel, who is the security guard.  The RV pulls over at a gas station and the attendant, comes out to tell them that nobody comes back from the cabin, they leave, and we see a bird fly into some type of force field.  They arrive at the cabin, in the woods, and start picking their rooms, in Holden's room one of the pictures creeps him out and he takes it down revealing a two way mirror peering into Dana's room.


Dana starts stripping and Holden does the right thing and stops her, they then switch rooms so Dana feels more comfortable.  Back at The Facility, the Harbinger, aka Moredcai, aka Gas Attendant calls and starts spewing craziness and they laugh at him, everyone then starts taking bets on which monster is chosen from the cellar and we find out that they are pumping the place with psychotropic drugs.  In the cabin they start drinking and smoking and start a game of truth or dare, where we see Jules make out with a stuffed wolf, after that the cellar door suddenly opens and they all venture down.  They all start picking items up, which would each represent a different type of monster, Dana picks up a diary by Anna Buckner and starts reading it.  She comes across a Latin section and Marty begs for her to not read it, but she does, and the monster is chosen, The Buckner Family!  This also means Maintenance, and Ronald, won the bet!

We then see The Buckner's awaken from their grave and start making their way to the cabin.   At the cabin, Jules and Curt head out to the woods to have sex, Marty goes to read a book, with pictures, leaving Holden and Dana alone.  In the woods, Jules and Curt are about to have sex, but Jules gets cold, at The Facility Gary and Steve make it hotter and pump more pheromones out.  They start having sex, but the Buckner's show up and Jules is killed, at The Facility we see Steve pull a lever and Jules blood pours into a carving.  Marty goes outside, and we see someone coming up behind him, but Curt appears and they run into the house, Dana wants to know where Jules is and opens the door.  When Dana opens the door she is handed Jules head by one of The Buckner's, something is pumped into the room and they all split up to their own rooms, which then get locked by Gary and Steve. 

"You want to switch rooms?"

In Marty's room, he finds a camera and thinks he's on a reality show, he then gets killed by one of The Buckner's, his lever then gets pulled and his blood drains into a carving.  Can I just say that Marty has to be the smartest one of them?  He's tried to stop them from doing stereotypical horror movie things, not that they listened, and he found the camera in his room!  Anyways, in Dana's room, one of them is trying to get her, but Holden breaks through the two way and they find a door to the basement, which they head down.  Down in the basement, they find that it is more like a torture chamber than a basement, Holden almost gets killed by a Buckner, but Dana manages to stab him.  Curt arrives and they leave the cabin and drive off in the RV, over at The Facility we see that Japan has failed, and they are the only ones left. 

Steve realizes that the cave hasn't exploded yet and that they have a clear line to leave the area, luckily Steve manages to trigger the cave exploding.  The RV manages to make it out of the tunnel, but now there's no way out, they realize that there is a gap between them and the exit of the tunnel on the other side.  Curt decides he is going to jump it on his dirt bike, and when he does he hits that force field from earlier and dies, and his lever is pulled.  Holden and Dana take off in the RV and a Buckner appears in the backseat and kills Holden, the RV then goes into the river.  Over at The Facility everyone is celebrating because it's over, I bet your thinking how it's over if Dana is still alive?  Well it turns out the Virgin is optional for the sacrifice, and if you hadn't figured it out each person represented a certain Archetype: The Whore, Jules, The Athlete, Curt, The Fool, Marty, The Scholar, Holden, and The Virgin, Dana. 

"We should split up"

While everyone is celebrating, in the background there are screens everywhere showing one of the Buckner's trying to kill Dana, who has escaped the water and is on the dock.  The party is interrupted when a red phone in the corner rings, Steve answers it and they find out that something went wrong.  Back on the dock we see that Dana has been saved by Marty, told you he was a smart cookie!  Marty takes Dana to one of The Buckner's grave, where there's a secret passage, inside the passage Marty starts up an elevator and they get in it.  They start heading down in the elevator, the elevator walls are glass and can be seen through, and we see a ton of different monsters, like a werewolf, ghosts, and a creepy ballerina.  Dana notices that one of the monsters is holding one of the objects rom the cellar and realizes that they chose how they were going to die.

In the control room Gary and Steve see them go into the elevator, and we also find out that whatever Marty was smoking made him immune to the crap being pumped into their system.  The elevator opens and a guard catches them, but they kill him and take his gun, they exit the elevator and someone, The Director, comes over the loudspeaker.  The Director tells them they are kinda sorry, but it is necessary for them to do this, Marty and Dana head into a room where they find a system override button and they press it.  The system override unleashes all the monsters and it's a bloodbath.  After awhile Dana and Marty leave the room, over in the control room the monster have broken in and Steve ends up being killed by a merman.  Which is actually really funny because he has talked about the merman the entire movie.

"Do you really want to go down?"

Gary manages to escape, but Dana stabs him, Gary tells them to kill it and then dies, Marty and Dana then head down to where the 'ancient' is stored.  The 'ancient' has been mentioned briefly throughout the movie, but we hadn't been told what it is until now.  The Director now appears and tells us about the 'ancient' and why a sacrifice is needed, the ancient is actually a god, and the sacrifice, of each archetype, is needed every year to keep them at bay.  I should also add that this movie is amazing and picked Sigourney F'N Weaver to be The Director!  The Director tells them they both need to die so that the god will not destroy the world, we see Dana raise her gun up and point it at Marty.  Marty turns towards her and we see the werewolf come up behind Dana and bites her, but Marty shoots the werewolf and it goes away. 

"It's the end of the world"

Marty and The Director start fighting and we see one of the Buckner's come down with an axe and kills The Director.  Marty and Dana crawl to each other, Dana apologizes for almost shooting him, and he apologizes for letting the werewolf attack her.  Marty then lights a joint and they get high as the god awakens, we see The Facility be destroyed and a huge rock hand raise up from the Earth.
The End.
I freaking love this movie, it's one of my favorite, all around, movies!  The fact that they casted Sigourney Weaver as The Director was such a huge shock when I first saw this movie and it was a great choice.  Just in general this movie has a great cast, we had, as already mentioned, Sigourney Weaver, Jessie Williams, Chris Hemsworth, Richard Jenkins, Brian White, and Bradley Whitford!  Plus this is such a twist in the genre, I've yet to see anything else like this movie!  Tell me what you thought of the movie in the comments, on Twitter (@SilentToHughes) or on Facebook (
Hope you all have a great night!

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